Lost in the abyss of decisions, years of trying to make something, hell, anything work, sucking it up, being patient for love, trying to find meaning and healing after the loss of it, recovering from years of physical pain, pursuing short-term dreams that often end in longer-term disappointment….I now find myself in a sea of overwhelmed-ness. I pray for God to show up, to grant me mercy, to say something…but I am met with silence. Some claim the answers are inside of me, waiting for me to have a self-revelation, but if that is true, then they are buried deep, on lock-down, with a lost key hanging out with ghosts, like it’s some sort of haunted treasure box from Pirates of the Caribbean. Some say to pray more, others to love myself more. “Gotta let that shit go.” But I have found that all of the people who tell me these things are people who have someone to fall back on, someone they’re building a future with, someone to hold them close when their tears weigh more than quarters. And so I say (in my head) ….you don’t understand.
I feel too young to be going through this type of middlescent crisis. Hope and happiness are like a small bird in my hand that want to fly away. I seem to have lost my ability to hold onto it. Every time I think I’ve got a grasp on things, the strength escapes me.
So what do you do when the load-bearing walls in your life fall down? I can’t build a new home on my own, and God seems to be sitting this one out for some reason. I seem to be resistant to lessons…because all of the recent let downs just seem to be reiterations of previous lessons…and I am left feeling like a skeptic.